ur happy place 1/19!

welcome to ur happy place: a refuge for body, mind and soul for 1/19!

today's post is the first in a series of installments that over time will tell a little story i've lived in the past few weeks. at it's heart is a tale that all of us who want to live, i mean truly live will run into at one time or another: it's mutli-layered at first glance but when reduced down to it's core it's about the choices we make and where they land us. do we embrace our vulnerability and live with our whole heart? do we risk being seen? or being heard? do we unflinchingly gaze into the mirror the universe hands us? do we love regardless? i invite u to think on these things as you read on...

"As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation -- either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course." ~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

as a spiritual counselor and intuitive/psychic/medium, acting as a messenger is a big part of what i do. offering insights from spirit is part one, letting the messages go is part two. i do my best not to hold onto anything that comes through me, but instead relay it and trust it will do what it needs to for my client. or not. depends on them! i'm merely the transfer station. and although most of what we talk about in private sessions floats through my mind and is forgotten soon after, i find in the past few months, i am left with lingering themes that i've been reflecting on.

one of them is the mirror. i first learned about the mirror through a trance-channel, eterna, from california that i studied with in the early nineties. the whole idea behind the mirror principle is that we are all mirrors to each other. i had a real run in with the mirror principle over the holidays that kind of sums up. the whole notion

but before i get to the mirror piece here's the backstory: one thing that u may not know about me is that i have struggled most of my adult life with social agoraphobia. i can stand up and lecture in front of a crowd with ease, work intimately in one-on-one situations, and even be videotaped and televised live, unscripted, ad -libbing with the best of them- all without blinking an eye. but invite me to a casual get together, or worse- a dinner party with "Normal People" who most often are not, "My People" as dino, my husband, refers to them, and you will watch me unravel.

My People are the ones who live lives and speak a language that oprah , ph.d's in psychology, yogi's, massage therapists, meditators, artists, and of late, alot of quantum physicists and some hip m.d.'s get. Normal People wouldn't be caught thinking, much less uttering, " i wouldn't eat there again, the energy was weird" or "if u don't like the job, create a new one!" and certainly not, " the plan will emerge, just relax."

inevitably, the party conversation turns to the dreaded "so, what do u do?" it's gotten to be something of a running joke in our house to hear how dino describes my work to a Normal Person at a Normal Person Dinner Party "oh deb? ummm... she does women's circles kind of stuff, you know holistic health..ummmm.. meditation?... oh! artist..yes she's an artist!" and tries to mumble it off without raising anyone's eyebrows, blood pressure or tripping the Normal Person's This- Is-Not- Normal-Radar-Alarm.

Mostly I fear being found out. Not only about what I do but what the voice of fear says I am: not smart enough, witty enough, nice enough, funny enough, relevant, current, worldly, not normal enough...just not enough.

so u can see the dilemma. i'm a gal who is still very much in the process of learning how to safely maneuver being strawberry shortcake in a vanilla ice cream sort of world. over the years i guess i got into a me vs. them stance after the wounds of feeling different set in. after awhile the fearful voice ran the show and i believed what it had to say. spending time with others in a purely social setting, which for most people is a time to play, laugh and enjoy the companionship of others, turned into an activity i dreaded.


i'm often asked if i've been a sensitive all my life or if maybe i was struck by lightning or had a near death experience, met jesus and came back full of the Sight or something. yes, i report back, i have been tuned in all my life, but no, mine is more a boring nature and nurture story. mona liza schulz m.d. ,ph.d and author of awakening intuition sheds some light on the nature part. in her book she suggests that you and i are literally wired for intuition and that we all have an intuitive identity that is uniquely ours. she explains," if u have a left brain, a right brain, a body, if u have memories and emotions, if u sleep and therefore dream, then u have intuition."

i would add that external factors (nurture) can contribute to or hinder our use and development of these innate skills.
for example, my abilities got a jump start in part, because i was raised in a household where i relied on my intuitive antennae 24/7. reading family members was something of a survival skill. i learned alot about energy; the energy of emotions, of good choices and poor choices, of transparent boundaries, body language and non-verbal communication and how to read between the lines. my observation skills and connection to my inner senses were natural abilities that were honed expertly, they were my go to tools back then. i used them to interpret safe or threatening situations, when to retreat to my bedroom until my mother was in a better mood, or to avoid dad if he'd had a little too much to drink. drawing from this base with a little grooming and training later in life turned into my vocation as i know it today.
but it's not easily explained to the average joe and i guess with my already sensitive nature i shy away from encounters of the Normal kind.

hence, my first instinct when invited is always to shout "NO! NO, i'm away, i'm busy, i'm tired or wait, what's the date? oh yes, i will definitely be exhausted on that day. couldn't possibly make it......"then guilt sets in, my husband needs socializing, how many times can i send him out without me? how many excuses can i make? and then after i finally say yes despite the terror, i curl up in the fetal position and wonder if maybe this time i can pull from within and somehow authentically make it through this time.

ok so i'm being just a wee bit dramatic. but this whole thing is my Achilles heel, no question and at this particular holiday party, the universe gave me an ultimatum to sort this whole mess out and get on with just being me not only with My People but the Normal People too.i got there eventually, but it didn't come easy and it wasn't pretty either.

if you've gotten this far, i applaud you! don't u agree that's enough for one post?? next week we go to the party and get knee deep into it.

until next time...xx